The Fontenot

You're So Money and You Don't Even Know It

Managing to drive home up Lakeshore without once closing my eyes and replaying, oh, I don't know, an 82-yard touchdown pass from Brett Favre to Greg Jennings, it occurred to me that week-in and week-out, it is virtually impossible to predict what this team will look like, and yet still, with all the flux in personnel, approach, and execution, they just win.  And so again they found a new way to win--in terms of this game, when I say "found" and "way", I am emphasizing both words.  One of the NFL's worst rushing attacks patched together their second 100 + yard outing, led by well-known NFL superstar Ryan Grant, acquired in a blockbuster trade at the beginning of the season, against a ferocious run-stuffing Denver defense ranked dead last in the NFL.  DeShawn Wynn contributed a respectable 1 yard.  And while the real story seems to be about those two divine, transcendental, lusty bombs sailing through the thin Denver oxygen, heaved by the Old Man, caught by the Young Men, it's hard not to see a few 7-yard runs here and there as an important omen, shitty run defense or no shitty run defense.  It's true, though: the Old Man came out with a chip on his shoulder this week about being The Old Man with the withered little arm.  Usually when he has a chip on his shoulder, he throws 17 interceptions in one quarter.  Yet tonight, surprise surprise, he didn't, and they won.

Greg Jennings on Favre's arm, after the game: "He's 70 years old and overthrowing us in practice -- a lot."  That Jennings.  I figure now is as good a time as any to try out ESPN's version of YouTubesteak.  What a fine young man.

There was more solid Green Bay Packer comedy, too.  I hope you heard Tauscher introduce Brett Favre when the game got rolling.  In case you missed it, he said:  "And of course at quarterback, Vinny Testaverde's dad, Brett Favre."

In a game that was (at least between the two big plays) a game of field position, John Ryan had a monster night:  He punted 4 times and averaged a whopping 52.3 yards per punt.

The ref's injury on the Jones touchdown?  Hammy.  His availability to his crew for next week's game? Listed as "Totally Fucking Irrelevant."

Someone needs to tell Tony Kornheiser that hyperbole requires the additional element of restraint once in awhile to be a successful rhetorical strategy.  With all due respect to Bill Walton, they may as well bring in Bill Walton if they want this much deafening overkill.

Someone needs to tell Vince Vaughn to take some, like, vitamins or something.

I like how in this quote from Champion Bailey, whose ass got torched by big, slow (maybe not so slow?) James Jones, the line between the Packers and Favre blurs, via pronouns:  "Two plays beat us.  They didn’t do anything else to beat us. . . . That’s it. Two plays. If we have position, we can make those plays; we didn’t, so he did."

Could any editor possibly let the syntax of this headline hit the presses?

Jason Elam is working on a book.  It's a thriller called Monday Night Jihad.

Jason Elam is working on a book.  It's a thriller called Monday Night Jihad.

I wrote that twice on purpose, just because it takes twice as long to believe it's true.  I hereby decree the following challenge to Fontenot readers: in the comment section, send in the most appropriate one-liner you can think of to sum up this game in the context of Jason Elam's forthcoming book.

I don't know.

Something like, "Suck on that big fat Axis of Evil, Denver Broncos, lovers of pornography and unholy hedonistic zone-blocking!"

Packers Week 8 Little Known Facts

LKF: In preparation for dealing with the effects of the higher altitude of Invesco Field, all of the Packers except for punter Jon Ryan are making sure to keep hydrated, eat lots of carbs and get lots of rest. Ryan doesn't see the point. "I'm sure my leg will get plenty of oxygen," Ryan said, sarcastically.

LKF: During the bye week, Swedish-born practice squadder Carl-Johan Bjork took a Greyhound bus to Rosemont, IL to attend the Annual Pinball Expo 2007. An avid pinball fan since his first encounter with a Dolph Lundgren-themed machine in a bus stop in Stockholm, Bjork decided the bye week gave him the perfect opportunity to mingle with some of the greats of the game. The fun started with the Bumper Blast Welcome Party Wednesday night and continued into Thursday with a seminar led by Jim Schelberg, publisher of Pin Game Journal, about "Pinball in the Media." The highlight--and the lowlight--for Bjork was getting a chance to play in the PinBrawl Team Competition when veteran Tarek Dhanani of Goblins of the Gobble Hole had to pull out with wrist tendinitis. "It was a dream come true," Bjork says. "even though I couldn't hit the slingshots worth shit."

LKF: Once, a Packer dressed up like this for Halloween. He got all the candy he wanted.

LKF: In an effort to motivate the team to "play well," Coach McCarthy showed the following video at a recent team meeting. "I wanted them to understand what we're not looking for. Metaphorically speaking," McCarthy said.

The Right Track

One of the notable bits of news out of Packer Nation this week was the revelation in Deanna Favre’s book Don’t Bet Against Me!, that she kicked BFF out of the house and nearly divorced him in 1999 because he was drinking too much. This surprised me, not because I thought Favre wasn’t capable of self-destructive behavior, but because I thought by ’99 Favre’s wild days were pretty much over. It’s been much-advertised that in college and his first few years in the NFL, Favre was known to routinely tie one on, miss team photos due to “oversleeping,” and to occasionally puke up the previous nights’ jello shots and jalapeno poppers on the sideline before a game...before going out and winning the game. But I’d always assumed that after kicking Vicodin, Favre had straightened himself out. This news makes you wonder how severe the drinking was, whether he was out with the guys or less festively at home drinking by himself, whether he was drinking during the season, and, if he was drinking during the season, to what extent the team and/or the media knew about it and kept quiet about it.

It should be noted that Favre encouraged his wife to write honestly about his problems in the book, and you have to respect him for that. You wonder if, Michael Jordan, while still the face of the NBA, would have been so forthcoming had he struggled with something like this. Thing about Favre is, he makes a little money on the side endorsing products you imagine he actually uses (Sensodyne, Bowflex, Wrangler jeans) but he’s never been so invested in his parallel life as a spokesperson that he’d be afraid to speak his mind and expose his flaws. Which, of course, is part of his real guy appeal. 

Interesting too that we’re reminded of Favre’s personal struggles with addiction on the week Koren Robinson returns from his alcohol-related suspension, hoping to make good on his second third fourth chance. Apparently, Favre has been instrumental in supporting Koren over the past year; as he’s waited to be reinstated, Robinson’s been working out with Favre’s personal trainer in Arizona. In an interview, Favre had this to say about KR:

 "Now, I'm a little bit biased obviously. But I think he's done everything he's been asked to do, and it's time to set a good example -- that you can resurrect not only your career, but your life. I mean, there's still a lot left for him to do on and off the field, but give the guy an opportunity."

We know even more clearly now just how many times Favre has f'ed up and found a way to make good on his chances at personal redemption. When asked to respond to Favre's record-setting 421th TD, it's telling that Holmgren said what is even more impressive is how he's become such a good husband and father.  I fully expect him to go out of his way to take Koren under his wing, remind him to take it one day at a time, and make him the kind of late-season X-factor Bad Moon Rison became back in the Year We Won It All.

On the other hand, this might happen.

Pizzle

Loyal Fontenot readers may have noticed the disappearance of the hot feature Mid-Week Super-Cryptic NFL Wrap-Up.  For some reason I've not written it lately.  Thus, it is now defined as an occasional feature.  I need to wait for a little more David Boston news to accumulate.

In the meantime, a few pressing items need to be addressed.

Pissing at Lambeau
I've been to the last two games, and have been reminded of many magical f eatures of the place.  The ancient "Pro Shop" in the Atrium, for example, where loyal Packer fans have purchased their Packer Gear for nearly a century.  Hallowed ground, indeed.  If I were to report one interesting item from my time at Lambeau, though, it would have to be this: Packer fans piss longer than anyone else on the planet.  I have accumulated just enough data to confidently make the claim.  To wit: I go in sometime near the end of the third quarter, and have to pick the right line--this is a game in and of itself.  During the Bears game, I'd stumbled on the excellent idea of choosing lines that contained the most children, knowing their bladders had yet to grow to the full-sized Wisconsin alcoholic expansion-bladder.  At the Washington game, though, I couldn't find any kids, and got into a 4-deep line that looked okay.  By the time I'd reached the urinal, the Packers had: 1) recovered a Clinton Portis fumble on the 10 yard-line, 2) failed to get into the endzone, 3) missed a field goal, and 4) trotted the defense out.  Each one of the dudes in my line pissed for longer than 60 seconds.  I know because I started counting after the first guy went.  It was amazing.  60 seconds may not sound like a long time, but count it off next time you have to piss and see how long you can keep that stream going.  It's just another way Packer fans can call themselves special.

G-Fizzle
I've also now been exposed to 2 weeks' worth of the misguided PR campaign that is G-Force.  During the offseason, someone at the Packers front office decided they needed to convert something ephemeral, good, and free--fan energy, a crowd--into a commodity.  You can't sell something that is not named and has no physical manifestation, after all. 

So far the crowd's reaction has been tepid, at best.  I heard laughter and groans whenever Bill Jartz used the phrase over the PA; I saw at least three G-Spot signs; my uncle's complaint was that it sounded militaristic and commando-ish; the language is a tad reminiscent of a certain high-quality razor... 

Here's what the official party line was about the Sunday Night Game:

G-Force is a new program that recognizes Packers fans for their longtime support and loyalty, and emphasizes the electric gameday atmosphere the fans provide for the players.

More than 72,000 shirts, each with the G-Force logo on the front and the phrase "fan flurry" on the back, will be distributed to each person coming through the gates. White pompoms will be distributed as well. The combined effect of the two items should ensure the crowd will be in a white frenzy.

Fans also are encouraged to wear their own white apparel as well to enhance the effect.

"Our fans are simply the best, so the G-Force 'Fan Flurry' T-shirts and pompoms should be an opportunity for everyone to have some fun with it and really energize Lambeau Field," said Craig Benzel, Packers director of marketing. "There is no doubt the Lambeau Field crowd makes a difference during games, and you can count on them to continue that effort against the Chicago Bears on Sunday night."

You should have seen how many of those pompoms went into the garbage cans four feet from the entrance.

Also.  Maybe it's not the best idea to characterize the fans at a Packer game as a "white frenzy".  Hits a little too close to home.

My feeling is that people are simply skeptical into the naming of the fan-force in Green Bay.  It feels fu-fu and silly.  This is Green Bay, kid.  You might have better luck selling Brie cheese, crackers, and cappuccinos to every fan at Lambeau than getting the people to buy into this idea. 

(For the record, I would buy the Brie cheese, crackers, and cappuccino, in case the concession stands are listening.)

In Summary

1. Offense. 2. Defense 3. Quality of Favre's Performance 4. My Emotional State After the Game.

Ramblin' On

Packer pain now dissipated, there are lots of things going on:

Yanni Therapy
In case there's anything terrible left inside, watch this.  Inspiration is a tenuous thing, but Yanni has found a way to capture human emotion and deliver it, over and over again.  If and when the Packers fall behind against Washington, I urge you to bring your laptop out and cue this baby up.  It will help.  I promise it will help.  I also urge you to allow this to play as you read the rest of this post if you can bear to look away from Yanni's enthusiasm.  Again, same conecpt: it will only help.

At Least You're Not a Buffalo Fan
At least you're not a Buffalo fan.

Congress Cares About Brett Favre
Looks like the US congress is up to its usual tricks.  And, if you're wondering, here's what else congress worked on that day.  Seems about the same degree of importance.  Next stop: UN Ambassador.  After that we'll have to wait until interstellar travel before Favre is again singled out for duties. 

It's possible he'll still be starting when we break through the warp barrier, right?  Fontenot prediction: Rogers asleep behind the bench, 78 years old, his beard gray and long like Rip VanWinkle's.  A reporter wakes him and asks him what he thinks about Favre's planned mission to Belvetron IV.  His quote: "I'm just happy I've been able to learn so much from him.  My shot's just around the corner, and I will use what I've learned, definitely." 

New JSOnline Packer Blog
Now you can finally read an informative blog about the Packers.

James Jones Won't Get Bounced
It doesn't seem like it, anyway.  Nor should he, really.  After seeing the replays, it's a lot easier to say that Tillman made two solid plays than Jones made two horrible plays.  Yes, he fumbled.  But it's not like the guy was running free down the sideline and just dropped the ball.  It's not like it was the end of the Vikings game and he inexplicably dropped a handoff after the game was locked up.  He needs to bounce back.  I predict a redeeming performance from him on Sunday.  There's something about Jones that seems very, very psychologically sound.

Not that the fumbles weren't devastating.  When you're there, as you probably know, you can feel the energy and momentum a little better.  During that second drive, when it looked like the Packers were going to score again, everything was in place.  By all indications it was going to be another night-game Bear-demolition.  I know it was early, but feeling the enthusiasm of 70,000 people sucked up into the sky (or worse, sucked up into the sky and sucked down the shore of Lake Michigan and deposited into Chicago) makes it hard to believe your team is going to win.

So it goes.  What if?: the second-lowest form of conversation.

The Challenge
I learned on Wednesday via the NFL PR flotilla NFL Total Access that the refs technically got the time out/spot change thing right.  However, this rule, along with a few others, highlight some oddly complex philosophical problems you would not expect to be dealing with in America's Meathead League.  Seriously, I'll take an extension class somewhere if I want to do gedanken experiments.  The tuck rule leads to a morass of intentionality vs. action.  The "plane of the endzone" conceptualization asks fans to imagine  invisible lines, planes, and rectangular solids extending (infinitely? ) away from the field. Think  about who you're asking to do this!!! Replay draws all causality into question--if we say it was a force-out, we are also implicitly saying there is no longer  history.  Also, if we say he fumbled and he didn't, we'll turn it around, but if we say he didn't fumble and he did, we will blow the "Whistle of Nothingness," which, as you know, also stops time, causality, and history.

For the Packer situation, the rule is this: all challenges for field position must be linked to challenges of a first down.  Therefore, if you challenge for field position, you are also automatically challenging for first down.  Both changes must be made in order for it to be a "successful" challenge.  A few strange things here.  First, why link the two things at all?  Does this not imply that you are not, in any circumstance other than a first-down challenge, allowed to challenge a spot?  Of course it does.  And yet the game is full of "spot" challenges that have nothing to do with first downs.  Imagine a play in which a runner steps out of bounds, then runs another 35 yards...first downs are never discussed, and are not part of the equation.  If you say, in response, that they are part of the equation, and are simply not mentioned, then I'll give you a different hypothetical: say a player is nearly tackled ten yards behind the scrimmage, shakes a few defenders, and gets back to the line of scrimmage.  Now say the replay show this runner's knee clearly touching the ground ten yards back.  Of course you can challenge this. Field position is challenged independently of first downs all the freaking time. So what is there to conclude?  Only that the refs arbitrarily "link" the field position and first-down challenges when faced with situations in which they are both relevant.  

This is stupid, makes no sense.  The rules of your game have to be coherent.  Watching the game on Sunday night was like playing a video game that has yet to be debugged.  Everything is okay for awhile, then you walk into a frame that just doesn't work, and all of physics collapses in on itself.

Not to beat a dead horse, but the end of the Buffalo/Dallas game highlighted another serious problem with the rules, and one that should be addressed by the league in the offseason.  With about 13 seconds left in the game, T.O. appeared to catch a pass that put the Cowboys into field position.  The ref, befuddled, took a solid five seconds to make a call (he called catch), and then we got to watch their uninspiring hustle as they tried to get the ball in place for a snap.  The game easily could have ended here, because of that ref's hesitation, which is a problem in and of itself.  But furthermore, even though Dallas spiked the ball, the refs decided to review the T.O. play.  The official word was that "they pressed the button" just before Romo snapped the ball.  I think this is bullshit.  Mike Perriera, director of officiating, lauded this moment as a great job from the guys upstairs in the replay booth.  Clearly, though, there is no oversight at all.  Perriera claims that they have to wait to "press the button" until it is clear Romo  would have been able to get off another snap.  Only then will they interfere and challenge a play.  Otherwise, they risk falsely interfering with the flow of a game.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Here's what this policy implies:  a blown call (T.O.'s catch) creates a false path in time.  Within this false path of time, however, you must prove to us that  you can get a false snap off before the false clock ticks down to zero.  Once you have successfully shown that it's hypothetically possible to do this, now that you've passed the Test of Falsity, we will go backwards in time in our Delorians and let you try again, this time for real. 

There is bad, bad confusion afoot.  There need to be many changes.

Best Thing To Ever Happen
Profootballtalk linked to this the other day, and I found the full version and watched it and cried while watching it.  I was up watching this live whenever it happened, and I absolutely lost control of myself then.  It's still the same.  If you have any bad feelings left, watch this, and get better.  Oh, and the Packers and playing the Redskins on Sunday.

Quick Question

Dear Ask Judy,

Hi!  How are things?   I'm looking for a little advice.  So sometimes in my life I"ve had what my doctor calls "mind problems" but I've been feeling as though many of the old "problems"I used to have have been healed in the last couple of months, ha ha.  I'm pretty loose with my feelings right now.  Anyway, Judy, the problems are back.  Well, some of the problems are back.  For example, just a little while ago I went out into my dad's garage and I found myself kind of, well, hitting some things with a hammer.  Like the cat, and also some bullets.  Maybe I should back up here and tell you a little bit about my day, just to give you some context.  You see I woke up early and it was a beautiful day and I had some coffee and got in my car and fought with all kinds of obnoxious Chicago drivers on my way up Lincoln.  But I said to myself hey, it's okay, it's worth it, you're going up to have a nice day, don't get mad at them like you always do.  So I did some of my deep breathing meditation exercises and I felt better.  Then I got to the expressway and I had a pretty nice, calm drive for a little while, and then I stopped at the big Lake Forest Overpass and bought some Starbucks, and then a few miles north of there a carload of Chicago Bears fans drove by me and honked like I was one of their friends because of my Illinois plates and I wanted to kill them or scream at them through the window but I just smiled to myself knowingly, because they weren't my friends, and before I knew it I was in Green Bay, having a nice time, watching some afternoon football.  So things at this point were good.  Then I got in the car with my dad and we drove over the bridge and found some parking and walked up to Lambeau Field and went in.  I saw some pretty great things but then the bad things started happening and the bad feelings started to come back.  So let me tell you about some things that are in my brain now and keep going around in circles, because really what I"d like you to do is give me some  of your "super-powerful" advice/help to make the pictures stop.  I keep seeing, for example, #89 fumbling the ball on slants.  Like over and over.  Then I see #4 throwing the ball right into the belly of the arch-nemesis guy.  Then I see this desperation pass heaved up in the air and I see the tight end somehow catching it.  Then I see the other tight end fooling everybody.  So as these pictures swirl in my mind now they seem to be mixing with large demons who talk to me, too.  They are red.  They are saying things like, "You should have done more ball security drills" or, "Hurt the cat to make it feel better," or "You can never return to Chicago, ever," and they are laughing, and their voices are deep.  I am also thinking about, for example, the young Bears fan child who was sitting in my section during the game, and how I thought it was cute he was watching the game and how I felt sorry for him because the Packers were so much better, but then the Bears started doing better and better and the kid started cheering, like, really loud, and I started getting more and more angry with him and finally I leaned forward with a pretty drunk-sounding whisper and I whispered to him, "If you know what's good for you you'll stop praying to your depraved team-diety, child," and then his dad turned around and we had this whole big THING and before I knew it security was there.

So I guess my question is: how can I stop these pictures and the desire to murder everything and everyone and to make nothing live again?

Thanks!

Confused (also hallucinating) in Green Bay   

B-B-B-Brian and the Bears

It’s been a glass half-empty kind of week on Chicago sports talk radio. The Cubs, of course, are tanking when it matters most, but more importantly, Da Bearssss, who if I remember correctly were in the Super Bowl last year, are 1-3, and the natives are restless. One call-in show’s been scornfully referring to Brian Griese as Gries-man because he's no better than you know who. Fans have been complaining about the shaky O-line, the disappointing output of Cedric Benson, Muhsin Muhammad's old age. In other words, it’s been a totally awesome week to be a Packer fan living in Chicago.

We should win this one, of course. A 4-0 team should be beating a 1-3 team, especially at home. The semi-optimistic Chicago fans are rallying around the phrase “bounceback week.” Bounceback week! That, and “must-win.” And, sure, Griese’s going to play better this week, now that he’s gotten used to the “speed of the game."

But I don’t see any way our D doesn’t still cause at least three turnovers. Griese will play conservatively at first, is my guess, in an attempt to prove he is smarter than Rex-Lax but when it gets to be crunch time, I see him throwing some stupid balls. I worry a little bit about the long ball hurting us (I clear my throat in your general direction, Mr. Bush) because a team can sometimes generally suck but get lucky on a few long balls and win, especially if their D creates some turnovers. And as banged up as the Bears’ D is, they’re still certainly capable of that. (Beware the tomahawk ball-punch move, Ryan Grant and DeShawn Wynn.)

But the way Favre’s been playing? The zone he’s in now? Considering the big big love Lambeau’s going to bring on Sunday? I don’t see any reason not to feel confident. Packers 31, Bears 17.

A side note: The other half of the Fontenot, the one who is not me, will be at this game, and no, I am not jealous. You know why? I get to watch instant replays! The fridge is close by! I get Madden! (Oh who am I kidding? Sigh.)

 

421

YouTube's creeping me out this morning.  There's enough video evidence of this one particular moment in time, I think, to make a 3D hologram for Madden 2021. 

A little reminder of the beginning... 

Also just really disturbing...